Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
happy halloween
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.