Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name