Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine