Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

#have a #great #PancakeDay

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Nothing.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.