Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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I unironically love this joke.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
And bowling should be called pinball
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you