Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
