Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Need this in my life lol
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.