Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???