Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
You Might Also Like
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.