Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Me trying to walk in a dream

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.