Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese