Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.