Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
You Might Also Like
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast