Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
You Might Also Like
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
fly smarter, not harder
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN