Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know