Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
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A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Breaking news:
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
DOOO EEEET
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
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I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.