Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
much to think about
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.