Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
A great first step 😂
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried