Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
dads on road-trips be like
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.