Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.