Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Rooting for the overdog
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.