Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Better luck next time champ
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor