Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.