Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

so i’m at the stock market right

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Get off my horse you stupid moon

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out