[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.