Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach traded me.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.