Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

same but as an audience member

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

This sounds bad:

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.