Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.