Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.