*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I don’t make the rules sorry
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box