Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’m not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]