*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Who does Amazon think I am?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price