*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.