*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore