*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.