@FeelingEuphoric

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

You Might Also Like

@WritePlay

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

@WstonesOxfordSt

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

@Sal0630

My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

@KeetPotato

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

@DallyDoll

I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.