Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you