Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.