PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.
Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
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Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.
Peep before you poop.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”