[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
one of
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.