@BillMc7

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

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@Brewsker

PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.

@Beesthegame

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

@minnie_in_pink7

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

@iFluff8

Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.

Be smart.

Peep before you poop.

@6figures__

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

@HatfieldAnne

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

@IvoryGazelle

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”