geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Cake safety first. Always.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.