geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
much to think about
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable