Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
