Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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I don’t know what to do
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.