Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
They’re the worst 😩
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?