@PrisonCookies

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

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@WritePlay

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

@KattsDogma

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

@thatUPSdude

Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?

Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.

@StrawburyDelite

Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.

@_salt_n_lime

My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.

@whatsupboosh

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

@wildethingy

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.