The Oscar for best death or dying by a duck goes to.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
When I use chopsticks it looks like I am trying to knit the sushi.
Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?
Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.
My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.