Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Me in tagged photos
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus