Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Always this one for me forever

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly