Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
You Might Also Like
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos