Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!