Geez man, take it easy.
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
neighborhood watch
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.