Geez man, take it easy.
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.