Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Pot warmers of the day.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.