Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Wednesday

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁