Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

my first day as a raccoon

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

No flush

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.