Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird