Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Friday night party time 🥳
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
This headline is a thing of beauty
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school