Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

you will never know the true number of layers

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!