Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.