Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
How to make infinite energy.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Noah
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Unimpressed
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.