Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.


PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?


*priest slowly backs away*


HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly


The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.


Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.


[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”


Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that


Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*


A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.