Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.