GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Sharon I have some bad news
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.