Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions