Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Dance like you’re not the father