Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Can Happiness buy money?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”