Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them