Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

January has been Januweary

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.