Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil