Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,


You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry


This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy

& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.


Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right


[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”



According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*