Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: