Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

When they try to steal your moment.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah