Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Krampus.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?