Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.