Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
A fake ID that makes you younger
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”